My First Time

So today was my first time.... my first session with the PT. I drove to the session for 10:30am. I was there about 10:10, so i sat in my car with meditation music on to help reduce the stress that I was definitely experiencing. I understand that to anyone slim, or who has never been ridiculed in a Gym, or who have never struggled with their weight that you wont understand this. However I fear places like the gym, even though my rational mind knew they would be positive, friendly and welcoming. I still experience the elevated heart rate, the tense breathing, the ear lobe rubbing (my version of a nervous twitch, I rub my ear lobe, no idea why).

10:25am I walk in and swipe my card, I am greeted with such friendship and they are so glad to see me, another woman who had been in the gym the day previous greeted me and asked how I was going and was glad to see me there. This tall slim blond woman was glad to see this, not laughing, not shaming, just positive and supportive. I started to wonder if I had entered an alternate universe. I got my locker key and put my bits and pieces away. Nerves getting the better of me again the need to pee kicked in and it was off the the bathroom before meeting my PT.

Enter the PT, she is this normal weight (not overly thin) unassuming oddly beautiful woman. Friendly honest eyes, quick whited, obviously intelligent and not arrogant. Can you believe the mental happy dance I did when I realised that she was not arrogant.

We spoke about my goals for changing my life and loosing weight.
I will be fit and healthy before moving overseas for work.
I will feel more comfortable getting on a plane and flying long distances
I will look amazing next year when I commit to my beautiful girlfriend.
I will see my wonderful nephew and soon to be niece grow up.
I will be able to play with and keep up with said nephew and niece.
I will be proud of myself.
I will learn to swing dance.
I will sing again.
I will have the option to have a child.
Lastly but not even close to least - I will live a long and healthy life.

My PT is choosing to invest in me, support me, unlike others Ive attempted to work with I'm not just a means of income, I am something to accomplish. I will not let her down, more importantly I will not let myself down.

We spoke of my allergies, my fear of loosing weight, my biggest danger foods, we even spoke of this show called The Biggest Looser. I had applied for it and sadly the person I was to apply with changed her mind (for her own very valid reasons) which meant that I was not picked. We spoke about food planning and lifestyle choices. I am so very short into my journey and I know this will be one of the hardest things I will ever do, however I will do it. I am not determined because you can loose determination, I am promised. I have promised myself this new life.

I want to be clear about something, I am not doing this to make myself happy or to have a better body image. Oddly enough I am happy, all in all I love my life. I just believe I could love myself better. OK and body image, I am morbidly obese yes but I don't hate my body I am not ashamed of it, I am not less of a person because of it, in fact I'm more (and I don't mean this as a pun). I am more of a person because I have never let my weight stop my career, my love life, my friendships. Others may have, but I have not. The problem is that Ive let it stop me from being all I can be, and I can be amazing.

The PT set up my routine, squats and dumbbells and treadmills ect. Once our first session was over I did my routine for the first time, I wont lie it was hard, but not so hard I will give up. I made a promise to myself that I will go to the gym every day, that means 7 days a week. That means at least 7hrs a week not including a PT session and not including the time I will spend on the home treadmill. Which as a side note I used after lunch for 10 mins.

I may not be many things, but I keep promises. I always keep promises.