My First Time

So today was my first time.... my first session with the PT. I drove to the session for 10:30am. I was there about 10:10, so i sat in my car with meditation music on to help reduce the stress that I was definitely experiencing. I understand that to anyone slim, or who has never been ridiculed in a Gym, or who have never struggled with their weight that you wont understand this. However I fear places like the gym, even though my rational mind knew they would be positive, friendly and welcoming. I still experience the elevated heart rate, the tense breathing, the ear lobe rubbing (my version of a nervous twitch, I rub my ear lobe, no idea why).

10:25am I walk in and swipe my card, I am greeted with such friendship and they are so glad to see me, another woman who had been in the gym the day previous greeted me and asked how I was going and was glad to see me there. This tall slim blond woman was glad to see this, not laughing, not shaming, just positive and supportive. I started to wonder if I had entered an alternate universe. I got my locker key and put my bits and pieces away. Nerves getting the better of me again the need to pee kicked in and it was off the the bathroom before meeting my PT.

Enter the PT, she is this normal weight (not overly thin) unassuming oddly beautiful woman. Friendly honest eyes, quick whited, obviously intelligent and not arrogant. Can you believe the mental happy dance I did when I realised that she was not arrogant.

We spoke about my goals for changing my life and loosing weight.
I will be fit and healthy before moving overseas for work.
I will feel more comfortable getting on a plane and flying long distances
I will look amazing next year when I commit to my beautiful girlfriend.
I will see my wonderful nephew and soon to be niece grow up.
I will be able to play with and keep up with said nephew and niece.
I will be proud of myself.
I will learn to swing dance.
I will sing again.
I will have the option to have a child.
Lastly but not even close to least - I will live a long and healthy life.

My PT is choosing to invest in me, support me, unlike others Ive attempted to work with I'm not just a means of income, I am something to accomplish. I will not let her down, more importantly I will not let myself down.

We spoke of my allergies, my fear of loosing weight, my biggest danger foods, we even spoke of this show called The Biggest Looser. I had applied for it and sadly the person I was to apply with changed her mind (for her own very valid reasons) which meant that I was not picked. We spoke about food planning and lifestyle choices. I am so very short into my journey and I know this will be one of the hardest things I will ever do, however I will do it. I am not determined because you can loose determination, I am promised. I have promised myself this new life.

I want to be clear about something, I am not doing this to make myself happy or to have a better body image. Oddly enough I am happy, all in all I love my life. I just believe I could love myself better. OK and body image, I am morbidly obese yes but I don't hate my body I am not ashamed of it, I am not less of a person because of it, in fact I'm more (and I don't mean this as a pun). I am more of a person because I have never let my weight stop my career, my love life, my friendships. Others may have, but I have not. The problem is that Ive let it stop me from being all I can be, and I can be amazing.

The PT set up my routine, squats and dumbbells and treadmills ect. Once our first session was over I did my routine for the first time, I wont lie it was hard, but not so hard I will give up. I made a promise to myself that I will go to the gym every day, that means 7 days a week. That means at least 7hrs a week not including a PT session and not including the time I will spend on the home treadmill. Which as a side note I used after lunch for 10 mins.

I may not be many things, but I keep promises. I always keep promises.

Joining up and in

Today I joined a gym. I was a nerve wracking, stressful but great experience. I drove to this small local gym, not some big chain with gym bunnies and boof heads. Ive used this one on a short trial about 1.5 years ago and honestly it was a comfortable atmosphere. Still prior to going there I had butterflies and felt distracted... fear. I parked and sat in the car for a good few minutes convincing myself that this was for the right reasons, that it would be positive and that they wouldn't look down on me. My last line to myself was this is to save my life.

I walked in nervous, stressed on the verge of an emotional reaction. I walked up and waited, the woman at reception was cleaning her desk. I'm oddly quiet for a fat chic. Once attention was gained I blurted I want to join. She said that I was obviously here with determination and a mission. I nodded on the verge of tears, she smiled and said that I was here to do something and that I would. I don't know why and there was the air of being pathetic, however I started to cry, only tears no crazy sobbing.

We sat and I filled out the paperwork, blurting out personal useless information. She was great, honest, positive without making it feel fake. Forms filled out, money paid, boring stuff past. We discussed who would be my personal trainer (from now known as the PT). The girl jointly chosen, has been where I have and beyond, she understand and is very good at what she does. So I'm feeling very positive about the PT.

By the way at this stage I am no longer filling with tears.

Next is the first work out. Basically I learnt about the Machines. First I did 15 mins on the treadmill, I don't mind it as I can zone out and just think and breathe. Then 11 mins on the cross trainer. OK I officially love this machine, its like dancing I honestly could have kept going except for the jelly legs. Then onto the bike for 10 mins. OK so i really don't like bikes, feet get pins and needles, bum goes numb and my already painful tailbone plays havoc. I will find my way through on this, I know I will.

I have to say that no matter how uncomfortable and fearful I was this was a brilliant experience.

I'm now writing a food diary and I have my first PT session tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Before the Journey

OK firstly, I'm Fat....no actually I'm Morbidly Obese. I get pointed at, mocked and laughed about. People attempt to destroy me to make themselves feel better. Clothes can be hard to get, seats can be hard to sit in. Outdoor cafe seating is one of the worst for me, those arms on the seat mean I have to perch or get bruises. I fly for work a decent amount and dealing with "ASP's" (angry skinny people) is not fun, but static arm seats are the worst. I recently flew to England for work and ended up with massive hematoma's on my thighs from premium economy.

I started getting fat when I came into puberty. I was always tall and larger than other girls, but I was fairly sporty. The taller I got the more people commented on my weight. I got to the point where I was convinced I was larger than I was and so in the end fulfilled the prophecy. Ive had a very involved life. Ive succeeded further than I think people would expect of a fat chic.

Fast forward through the years of yo yo dieting, giving up, overeating, hidden binging, trying really strict regimes and actually putting on weight. I even went on the optifast 3 meal replacement shakes a day diet and put on weight. Basically I am now at a point that I'm almost scared to loose weight because I don't know who I will become. My weight is so ingrained in my personality and life and friendships, who will I be, what will I be. I never want to be Skinny, I just want to be healthy, live long, love long and feel the freedom. I definitely do not want to become an ASP.

So this blog/journal is going to be my outlet. I am going to include pictures (which will be de-identified), talk about food, exercise, emotions, memories, and experiences. I guess this will be my weight loss journey, my lifestyle change, my defatisation....my choice to save my life.

I will make no promises and tell no lies.